The thing about starting over: Simran Mangharam, on finding love again

Finding love is difficult enough; it is generally even harder when one is divorced or widowed. To begin with, there is the discomfort of starting to date again. Then there is the stress of navigating an entirely new world of dating. And there are the many conundrums relating to how to move forward, once you have found someone you like. 

A 54-year-old entrepreneur in Delhi, let’s call him Allen, lost his wife to cancer three years ago. His son works in Mumbai; his daughter studies in Pune. Six months ago, he says, he was finally ready to admit that he was lonely. At the urging of friends, he downloaded a few apps. What followed, he says, were days of feeling completely overwhelmed.
From the kinds of people that he found on the apps to the ways in which they communicated, the experience felt like the last thing he needed or wanted. He saw no one like him on these platforms, he told me. Instead, most of the people he encountered seemed to have more in common with his children.
The experience left him with a sense of self-doubt. Was it the platforms, or was it him?
A month ago, we started working together to see what changes he could make, to improve his chances of finding a companion, whether online or offline.
I commended him on taking this step, because I do believe that, yes, it is the apps. But yes, and I say this with kindness, it is also often us as well.
I know from experience, for instance, that there can be a lot of unlearning to be done at the stage at which Allen finds himself.
Take a simple example: His “nervousness” about how to respond to someone who shows an interest in him. It isn’t strictly nervousness; it’s often a kind of discouragement — born of years of being married, and faithful to his wife.
I have seen this often in clients. When one has been married for a long time, one develops what is almost a reflex for dispelling unwanted attention. Turning this reflex off can be a challenge.
Allen is now starting to identify tones, behaviours and even terms he uses in conversations and on first dates that can be seen as discouraging — and may be the reason a second date doesn’t follow.
Another client of mine, a 50-year-old management consultant, saw a 24-year marriage end in divorce two years ago. Unlike Allen, Nikhil was able to date casually with ease. He hit a roadblock when he wanted to settle into a serious relationship.
He doesn’t know what it takes to woo a woman of his generation these days, he says. “Flowers, movies and eating out don’t cut it anymore. Each event has to be an experience. The dinner should be a farm-to-table meal or an exclusive pop-up.”
Nikhil says he finds this exhausting. We are working, in our sessions, to find a sweet spot that lets him balance his comfort zones with the trends of the times.
The struggle can look rather different for women, and we’ll dig into this next time.
For now, I would like to say this: It is hard out there; there is no denying that. But, with a little work, preparation and adjustment to the landscape — something required of almost any major project — it does get easier.
I believe that, as our society evolves, it will get easier still, for those seeking companionship again. So hang in there. Talk it through with people you trust. Be kind to yourself.
Somewhere out there is someone looking for just the kind of person you are.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on [email protected])